Saturday, July 08, 2006

New, but not improved

It occurred to me last night when I dropped off Lucian with Nemo that I see Nemo as two separate people. There's old Nemo, and new Nemo.

Old Nemo is dead. I think often of him and I'm saddened by the fact that he's no longer in my life. I remember his smile, and the way his hair would curl near his forehead. He gave big bear hugs and smelled of his signature cologne. He'd call me just to tell me he loved me. He was someone who'd ask my opinion and listened to what I had to say. I've never met anyone who listened as well as he did. Old Nemo wasn't perfect, but I accepted his limitations because I loved him.

New Nemo is like a sore festering and oozing. He's unkept, missing teeth, and smells like cigarettes. He's on the phone in every spare minute. He thinks nothing of doing whatever pleases him in the moment and lies any chance he gets. He's passive aggressive and even his occasional niceties are because he has a hidden agenda.

I have a hard time reconciling these two people. I think that's why I'm not able to put a lot of this behind me. I see glimpses of my old Nemo whenever I have to deal with this new person. But the glimpses fade just as quickly as they arrive. And I'm left to deal with a stranger.

I believe it was Dr Phil who said that the person you divorce is not the person you married. Boy was that true.

I really miss my old Nemo. But I know that he no longer exists except for in my memories.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

i know where you're coming from... your situation is similar to mine though i did not marry the father of my child. it is sad that the man that we love[d] most has changed and when one changes, it may be for the better - or worse. it's like dealing with two different persons, and the one who you used to love is no longer there...yes he still looks the same but a different person.

Anonymous said...

I had a shockingly bad relationship years ago with a man that did just that same thing; you putting it in words has made me realise it! I loved this man and even after his evil twin emerged I stayed, for no reason other than I thought that the good one would re-emerge.... stupid me....

You are doing an amazing job.....