Acceptance

My life consists of so many things that keep me occupied that I rarely sit down and think about being diabetic. I breeze through the day with blood tests, boluses of insulin, watching the clock, changing my site, getting a comfortable sleep position, trying not to let either of my cats catch a glimpse of my tubing, etc etc that most days I'm on auto-pilot. My diabetes runs itself.

Sometimes, I'll test my blood to find only a few minutes later to not have a clue what it was. A high I would have recognized and taken action. (or a low for that matter, but I'm pretty good about feeling those) If I'm in target, I see the number and forget it.

There are still days where things go haywire. I'm having a pretty good run right now of good days. When I have a high, it's usually because I didn't carb count correctly. I correct it, and move on. My basal rates seem to be working well, and I'm not having any severe lows or outrageous highs.

I remember a time when I thought of nothing else besides diabetes. I wasn't thinking of diabetes itself, or what kind of long term complications I could develop. Rather, I was so aware of being different. I was pretty open about telling friends and teachers, because I felt it was necessary should something happen to me. But at the same time, I realized that once I told people, it separated me. It made me into someone who was carrying a lot more baggage. People were always amazed that I was able to deal with the pressures of diabetes (all those shots!), school (I was an honor roll student), and life in general. I just figured what choice was there? Not take the shots? But I always felt different than everyone else. High school and college were hard - I was a self imposed nerd due to the inflexibility I felt I had. (those were the days before the DCCT and MDI even.)

When I started using the pump, I got my life back. It sounds crazy for me to even say it, because how much changed? Mostly it was just my attitude. I got to a place in my life where I was able to accept my diabetes wholeheartedly. I've been able to shrink it down to a manageable level, and I'm better because of it.

I'm not without scars though. Diabetes has altered my life's course. I like to think that it's mostly for the good, but I know better.

I've climbed up the mountain rather than going around it. And it only took me two decades! Either way, I got through it.