Infertility, part 2

Read part 1.

After the last IVF in early 2003 that was negative, Nemo and I decided not to push farther on at that point. Thinking back now, it was probably more my decision (as most things in the marriage were) because each IVF took a small piece of me. Each negative was extremely difficult and I needed some time away from infertility.

In the summer of 2003, I went to Europe with my mother-in-law, Cruella. Nemo's parents own a home there. I felt pushed into it, but at the same time, it was an adventure to take my mind off of the infertility. And I desperately needed that, so I went. I did alot of soul searching there as I had alot of time on my hands. Imagine yourself in a foreign country where you can't communicate with anyone besides your mother-in-law... who I later figured out was playing passive agressive mind games with me. I'm digressing here. So anyway, we spent alot of time at the beach, where I kept my mind open to all the possiblities. A little boy playing in the sand made up my mind: I would love any child that came into my life.

At this point in our infertility journey, we had been given the donor sperm option several times. Nemo didn't like the idea, as he felt that it wouldn't be his child. I didn't share his opinion, but I respected it.

When I came home from Europe, I was calmer than I had been in years. I had faith that a child would come to me.

Six months or so went by - I figured we had been happy before infertility, couldn't we be happy again without kids? I was okay in the short term, but still unsettled about the future. One day in the car, I brought it up. Surprisingly, Nemo responded to the donor sperm idea in a positive way. We had known all along that the few immature sperm that he could produce were of very low quality. It took us time (and alot of money) to accept that.

So in February I went back to the fertility clinic telling them our decision to try the donor sperm route. They required us to meet with a psychologist. I fell in love with Nemo all over again that day. He said things like - I want to have a baby, no matter the genetics, and - sperm doesn't make a father. We passed the psychological exam with flying colors.

We then went in to choose a donor. There were pages and pages of men just waiting to be the father of my baby. It was a daunting task. I broke down. I wasn't sure how I could choose someone that wasn't my husband to have a baby with. I remember telling Nemo that I just wished that he could be the father. And that using a donor was just so complicated. Nemo held up extremely well. He was very rational the whole time. We finally chose one, and never looked back.

I had my first and only insemination in March. I didn't think that it had worked. Nothing had worked in the past, so my hopes weren't high. The night before I went for the pregnancy test, I cried myself to sleep. Infertility cuts you off from the world in a way that most diseases/conditions don't. (my diabetes is nowhere near as isolating.) I could get through the days, but the nights were particularly hard.

The next morning, I went for the blood test and the nurse called me in the afternoon. My heart raced as I picked up the phone. I heard the words that I never thought I would hear - Stella, you are pregnant. I was stunned.

The first thing I did was to call Nemo at work. When I told him, he was shocked. He was speechless. I thought he had hung up on me speechless. He then said - I never thought it would work. I've remembered those words since because I truly think that he really did think that it wouldn't work. I believe that he went along with everything just to keep me happy and quiet. I will probably never know his true motivation for allowing the pregnancy to happen when I don't think it's what he wanted.

The issue of Lucian's biological father has colored my view on just about everything. From the fact that Nemo was never protective of Lucian, that he left me at home with a newborn alone after having a c-section, that he didn't really want to spend time with Lucian until the court got involved, and the fact that even now, I don't think that Nemo has bonded with Lucian.

Many people (including my fertility clinic) will say that the genetics don't make a difference. I'm one of those people who the genetics wouldn't have made a difference to. But the fact is, the genetics made a difference to Nemo. He might not say it out loud, but his actions speak for his heart.

For the record, I would do it all again. My son is amazing. He is beautiful, smart and charming. I know that all mothers feel that way about their kids so maybe my view is clouded with love. I love everything about him, and I'm so thankful to the donor who made my dream a reality and helped give Lucian life.