My future: (insert something here)

Yesterday I wrote about Nemo's job prospect. Today I'm writing about mine.

I don't want to work and I'm putting off finding a job. I'm not normally a lazy person (and I'm certainly not lounging around all day - I'm chasing a 21 month old) but I can't seem to find it in me to take the job search seriously.

I know that I need a job. Not only do I need more of an income than my child support provides, I need the health insurance. And I need good health insurance. Damn this diabetes of mine.

When I was in college, I knew all this. Even so, I was flighty when it came to what I wanted to do with my life. I was a good student in high school, but by the time I got to college, I was burned out. I started off being pre-med but after a semester I decided I didn't have it in me to pursue being a doctor. (Strangely enough, over the years, I have educated more doctors than they have educated me.)

I changed my major to business and pretty much floated my way through the rest of my college experience. I envisioned myself working a 9-5 type job that paid well, that would give me good health insurance, and nights and weekends off. What I didn't realize is that having a business degree does not equal obtaining a business job. (like generally how a teaching degree = teacher, a law degree = lawyer, a biophysicist degree = biophysicist, etc) After college, I had no idea what to do with myself. Even less of an idea than I did four years before.

I've had jobs in the meantime. Some more interesting, more demanding, more or less money (mostly less). But none of them have been a life calling. None of them opened me to other opportunities. None of them inspired me. In fact, they did the opposite. When I was laid off from my last job, I pretty much buried my head in the sand. I was on the baby quest too, but that was only part of it. I was afraid. Just as I am now.

Here I am over ten years out of college, with no goals. And call me depressed (because clinically, I am) but for the life of me, I don't even care. I have no idea what to do with my life. All I really want to do is be a 1950's housewife and stay home with my son. That's what inspires me. Nice goal, huh?

I haven't yet heard about that job I interviewed for. They're not making any decisions until next month. To be honest, I'm not all that excited about it, for the main reason that I fear I'd miss out on too much of Lucian's life because of the hours. And for the slightly smaller but still substantial reason that I really don't want to be a receptionist, even if it wasn't a permanent thing.

I have no idea where this leaves me. I'm pretty frustrated. And indifferent. And scared, unmotivated, depressed, anxious, and filled with dread. Pretty much the same feelings I've had for a long time now. Only now, I need to do something. Anything.