Vacation

Nemo e-mailed me to say that he was going on vacation and that he'd see us next week.

The first thing I did was get up and do a celebratory dance. And then I told my Mom, who also joined in the celebration of having a week to ourselves. A week with Lucian going to bed on time! (I'm so happy with the small things...)

Then I e-mailed Nemo back. I asked him where he was going. And to thank him for letting me know because so many other times he just disappeared and left me hanging.

He replied to me and said that he was going to his parents' cottage. He wanted to go to Las Vegas but he couldn't find anyone to go with him. And, get this, did I want to go? It's unbelievable, that's what it is. Of course I'm not taking the offer seriously, but it's so bizarre because for such a long time I couldn't get him to go anywhere with me. And now he's joking about going on a trip?

My therapist said that his offer was inappropriate. He's crossed the boundaries that I've set up. I couldn't help but feel a little more powerful though. I'd rather have him joking around with me than fighting me.

I'll be celebrating not only America's independence this weekend, but my own.

The trip

A few years ago, I spent a month in Europe with my mother-in-law, Cruella. I felt pressured into going by Nemo, Cruella, and my father-in-law, Jabba. My in-laws built a house there, with the intention of living there part time when they retired. (Nemo's family all moved to the United States before he was born. Many of their relatives are still living in the same town they're from.)

Anyway, I knew before going that it was going to be a tough trip for me. I didn't speak the language for one. Which meant that I'd be able to communicate with Cruella only. Four weeks of speaking to no one but her. Secondly, they have a car, but it's a manual transmission which I don't know how to drive, so I'd basically be unable to go anywhere by myself. Thirdly, I knew that being away from my husband and family was going to be difficult. I get homesick easily.

The main reason that I went was because I needed some time to think. We had just had the failed IVF's, and didn't know what to do next. My life felt like it had no direction (to be honest, it still feels that way). The other reason I went was because heck, it was a free trip to Europe. How could I have turned that down?

I spent a month preparing for the trip. The diabetes supplies alone took up a whole suitcase. I got a loaner pump and brought three times what I thought I'd need in supplies. I also brought lots of yarn to crochet my heart out with. I brought thirty books with me. Yes, that's three-zero - 30 books with me. I had more books than clothes. And when I had to unpack and repack at Nemo's parents' house before we left, everyone was making fun of me. Still, I read them all, and even had to ration myself at the end so I'd have something for the plane trip home.

At the airport, I sobbed at the gate. Nemo's eyes were wet. I had to pull myself away from him to go through the security line. I've thought about that moment many times after all the events of the past two years. And all I can come up with is that he did love me. At one point he did. I still can't figure out how it can change so quickly. But once upon a time, he cried when I was leaving him.

To be continued...

On the work front

I lost my job in 2001. The company I worked for was bought out, then 9/11 happened. They laid off ten percent of the workforce.

The lay off surprised me because I was a good employee. When I thought about it afterward though, I realized that my job was easily divided up between others.

I called Nemo right after they let me go and I was driving home with all my personal items in the trunk. He calmed me down and assured me that our life would go on. He insisted that I go home, enjoy the day, take a nap, whatever. I was a mess and he made it better.

We decided that I would stay home for awhile. It made sense with all the infertility stuff we were going through. (We were involved in the testing phase of IVF.) He liked that I was at home during the day to take care of things. I liked being home. I handled all the cooking, cleaning and shopping, things that he'd rather not be involved with. I had dinner on the table waiting for him every night after work. I was your perfect 1950's housewife.

I got too spoiled with the situation. I never wanted to return to work. Having a baby became an even bigger challenge for me. Nemo suggested (quietly) that he needed me to work again because he was having a difficult time with the bills. Looking back, I should have known better.

But because he never hit me over the head with it, I didn't understand the strain it was putting on our marriage. This is the one fault that I will accept in our divorce. I should have gone back to work. By the time I realized my error, I was six months pregnant, and I knew no one would hire me. Plus, by that time, I was starting to become aware of Nemo's extra-marital antics, so I had no motivation to help our "family." I was under too much stress with the pregnancy and trying to figure out why my husband was never home.

I love being a stay at home mom. Love love love it! I'm quite happy tending to my son's needs. If I had the money, I'd stay home forever. It's been so important to me to give him a good foundation for when I do have to return to work.

(Just as an aside, I am in no way judging anyone for making other choices. I think that most working outside the home moms have a more difficult job.)

Pretty soon though I'm going to have to get my act together and decide what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. Right now, I'm considering going back to school. Besides giving me additional education (I do have my bachelor's), it would allow me to gradually return to the workforce, without being away from Lucian full time.

Every time I think about what I'm going to do with the rest of my life, I get very anxious. It's hard for me to think about. I know that I'm going to need to do something about it soon, because I can't afford not to. I'm currently driving my parents' car, and it's getting increasingly harder.

Many moms have been forced to work too. I'm not alone in this. I still wish it was different though. I've been blessed that I've had as much time as I've had. Still... I dread the day where I'm not with Lucian all day.

Trying to discover the truth

My therapist thinks that I should contact the police about Nemo. I've decided not to, because I have no proof of any illegal activity, and also, I'm afraid of his retaliation.

I need to back the train up a bit. Nemo admitted to me back in November, 2004 that he had used cocaine. He later told me different versions: 1. he never said that, 2. he said it but meant that he only used it once. I have chosen to believe his original confession. Why else would he have admitted it to me?

There's a few other reasons I believe that Nemo was/is using drugs. I've compiled a big list, but for the sake of brevity here, I'll just say that in addition to all of his weird behavior, Nemo stole a lot of money from us, and others that I trust told me that Elvira is a known drug user.

So I'm sure that you're wondering why I might be considering doing something about this now. I saw a few of my old neighbors recently. They started to tell me some things about what's happening at my old house. For the most part, they said, it's been pretty quiet, but there have been people coming and going at strange hours. And someone else is living there in addition to Nemo, Elvira, and her daughter. In addition, Nemo recently sent me a few pictures of Lucian and him. Nemo's eyes are dilated in the photos - something is obviously wrong with him. It's quite scary.

My therapist suggested that I call the police and have them check out the house. We lived in a nice area, where the cops aren't overworked with crime, so I'm sure they'd take me seriously. My fear is that they would find nothing, Nemo would find out that it was me who called, and then in addition to being mad, he'd have ammunition that would make him look good, and be mad enough to try to hurt Lucian and me in some way.

I really believe that something shady is still going on with Nemo. I've felt it since the beginning of my pregnancy two years ago. I wish I knew exactly what it was, so I could take the steps necessary to protect Lucian from it. If only I knew what I was up against.

In the meantime, I'm praying that Nemo gently removes himself out of our lives. It would make it a whole lot easier on me.

What to call him

Lucian calls my Dad Papa. He says it with so much affection in his voice. He loves my Dad so much and it warms my heart when I hear him call out for his Papa. My Dad is definitely the father figure in Lucian's life.

At this point, I have not heard Lucian call Nemo anything. I'm torn as to what to do. Since I don't see Nemo as Lucian's father, I can't bring myself to say the word Dad (or Daddy, Father, etc) in reference to Nemo. I know at some point as Lucian starts talking and understanding more, he's going to be questioning things, and I'm going to need to make up my mind about how I'm going to refer to Nemo. I've thought about just calling him Nemo and leaving it at that. Letting Lucian make up his own mind.

What do you call the person who is not the sperm donor, not a father in any sense of the word, who is involved with your child on a very limited, detached basis? I want to do what's best for Lucian, and if it means that I have to refer to Nemo as Dad, I will. I just don't know how easily my tongue will let me say the word.

So you think you can dance?

I had a had time falling asleep last night. In addition to diabetes, I suffer from IBS, and I never know when I'm going to be stricken with the childbirth-like contractions.

So last night, I was awake with excrutiating stomach trouble, watching late night tv. Thankfully I love watching old re-runs and there's a lot of choices after midnight.

What I hate are the ads. They must be dirt cheap at that time of night. Either that, or there must be a big market that's awake who wants to meet someone for $4.95 a minute.

One of the commercials caught my eye. I had no idea that str*ip clubs even advertised, but there it was: the place where Elvira dances. They have a website! They hold bachelor parties! Everything the slimy single man would want. The commercial ran four times during one program.

I was curious enough that I checked out their website. It was a one page deal with one sleazy picture and their phone number.

And oh yeah, they're hiring!

Anxiety

I believe that I've always had some anxiety. I think it's just my personality. I was an anxious child, an anxious teenager and an anxious adult even before I met Nemo. But the past two years have caused my anxiety to skyrocket out of control.

I feel anxious everytime I get the mail. It used to be worse, when I was living at my (our) old house. I would get bills that couldn't be paid, credit cards with scary withdrawals, and documents from my lawyer that I was scared Nemo would find and open before I'd have a chance to see them. My heart would race in my chest feeling like I would explode. My head knows that there is no rational reason for this. I mean, it's just the mail! What is there to be afraid of?

I also jump everytime the phone rings and when I check my e-mail. I'm anxious everytime I turn onto Nemo's parents' street. I've gotten much more obsessive compulsive about the doors and windows being locked and the shades drawn at night too.

I'm getting better. None of these things bothers me quite like they used to. I'm less likely to be holding my breath while my e-mail loads. I'm a bit calmer. But not like I used to be. I fear that the lack of trust I have in the world will affect me forever.

Greater purpose

Like many others who suffered from infertility, I prayed and prayed for a baby. At first, I had a lot of hope. And then two years and three IVF's later, it dwindled. But I still prayed. Until I eventually got mad at God. I never stopped talking to God. I never stopped praying. I still thought He was there, I just couldn't figure out where my suffering was leading. I couldn't see the greater purpose.

Then I got pregnant with Lucian. And the world around me fell apart. I finally saw the greater purpose.

Many people have told me that maybe Nemo wasn't supposed to be a father, and that's why he was (basically) sterile. I don't believe that. What I do believe, is that Lucian is the child I was meant to have.

Don't get me wrong - I loved each of the embryos we had created. I mourned their loss. I mourned the loss of Nemo and me as biological parents together. I thought of those embryos as potential children with hopes and dreams of the people they'd have become.

But Lucian was the one who was supposed to be here in flesh and blood. He was the one sent here to save me, in so many ways.

My faith was tested. My happy ending is not quite what I thought it would be. But really, it's even better, because I have Lucian. And he is so amazing.

I still don't know what the future is going to bring. But this time, I have faith that it's all going to work out as it should. God has a purpose here for us, I just can't see it yet.

Back to reality

Eight days later, I have finally heard from Nemo. He e-mailed me to say that he's feeling better and that he'd like to see Lucian. I e-mailed him back and said that I couldn't believe he'd been sick again (at least the fifth or sixth week this year) and that in the future, he should let me know so that he's not leaving us hanging for a week.

His excuses are wearing thin on me. I'd like to know what kind of "illness" prevents him from having any contact for eight days. I know (you know, the world knows) that it's a lie. It just annoys me to no end that he can concoct any excuse and I have no choice but to accept it. Even calling him on it does nothing.

I know I just said this in other posts, but it was such a nice week without him.

Finances

I mentioned here that I subpoenaed Nemo's phone bills. One of the other documents I received was Nemo's credit card statements.

You're probably wondering why we hadn't been receiving them all along. Well, Nemo switched the statements to paperless so they came to his e-mail account. By the time I got hip to the cause, he had changed his passwords so I couldn't look at the statements. In addition, my name was not on that particular credit card, so I couldn't request the statements myself.

There were quite a few things that I didn't know about on the statements. I want to say that I was surprised by what I found. But really, I shouldn't have been.

Here's a partial list:
1. flowers (not for me)
2. hotel rooms (which I could never figure out because Elvira had her own place)
3. $500 watch (purchased two weeks after Lucian was born. Me, I was given nothing. This particular purchase is extremely upsetting to me.)
4. other jewelry store purchases
5. airline tickets (for him and another woman, not Elvira. He did not use them because the dates of the tickets, he was home, at least part of the time.)
6. bars and other adult clubs (where he'd spend hundreds of dollars a night)

There were also many (oh so many) cash advances, and other miscellaneous store purchases.

Besides these purchases being painful for me to stomach, all of these things, we couldn't really afford. One or two, maybe. He was out living the life while I was at home. Pregnant and living like a pauper. Because on top of all the credit card spending, we would receive bank overdraft notices. I'd go to the grocery store, and my debit card would be rejected (one time I was refused an $11 purchase).

One of the best things about being divorced is being in control of my finances. I will never again be humiliated by having my debit card rejected. All of my checks will clear. I will pay no more late fees or overdraft fees.

Nemo recently tried to pay a doctor bill of Lucian's. It bounced. Some things never change.

Father's day

We didn't hear from Nemo on Father's Day.

It's now been a week since Lucian and I have had any contact with Nemo. It's been a great week. I've had Lucian in bed at his normal bedtime. I've been able to plan evenings the way I want them. It's been wonderful.

I don't want to say it out loud because I don't want to jinx it, but I just have to wonder where Nemo is, and what he's been doing with his time. Since April, he's been a bit more consistent taking advantage of his parenting time. It's been a long time where I haven't heard from him at all. (when Lucian was a newborn, it would be nothing to not see Nemo for a week, and have him randomly show up whatever evening fancied him, wearing the same clothes he had left in the week prior.)

My struggle is this: maybe I'm allowing Nemo to get away with this behavior. Should I stand up and insist that he be there for Lucian? Not that I want him to, or that I think that would help. My psychiatrist thinks that I'm avoiding the confrontation by blindly accepting any excuse he gives me. I am avoiding confrontation, but my reasons are that I'm so happy, I let him think I'm buying any excuse, or lack of excuse. I don't care that he thinks I'm stupid.

What kind of excuse do you think he'll give me for missing Father's Day?

My wandering mind

One of the things that I'm trying to work on is living in the moment. It's difficult because my mind races, I get caught up in ideas that are nowhere near happening now, and I panic.

I think about Lucian at three, speaking in sentences and being with Nemo. Will I be forced at that point into a situation I'm not comfortable with? (ie driving or overnights)

I think about Lucian starting school. Will Nemo fight for the amount of time he currently has? Will I be working and will I be able to be there for Lucian when he gets off the bus?

I think about Lucian playing on a sports team, or playing an instrument, or doing whatever activity he enjoys. Will Nemo support it? Will I have to explain to Lucian why Nemo's not there? Will Nemo even be in the picture then?

I think about Lucian and the friends he will make. When they start talking about their fathers, what will Lucian say? Will he be as uncomfortable with the explanation as I am?

I think about how I can protect Lucian for the next sixteen and a half years. At a certain point, I'll be able to trust Lucian to do what's right, but still. He'll be a child. How can I protect him without being overprotective?

I'm trying hard not to let the situation with Nemo and me affect how I'm parenting Lucian. I want him to form his own opinions. I want him to know the truth, and do with it what he pleases.

I'm working with my therapist trying not to project myself too far out into the future. To be in the here and now, and to be grateful for what I have already. Still, it's so hard. I'm not very successful. Any free moment and my mind is running off in another direction.

Perpetuating the fantasy

Today was wonderful. Lucian and I went to see some friends this morning that have a boy the same age as Lucian. There aren't many kids in our neighborhood, and at the moment I can't afford to enroll him in any programs that would expose him to other kids. So we both love it when he's able to interact with other children. The two boys were so fun to watch together.

He and I were both so wiped out from our playdate that he took a three hour nap, and I slept for two.

Tonight is normally one of Nemo's nights to see Lucian, he's currently MIA. I decided to take Lucian to the park after dinner. He was so excited going down the slides, gliding on the swings, and running around watching the other kids. My heart feels like it will explode when I see him so happy. He experiences joy in every little thing, and every moment I'm with him is a gift.

When I have days like this, I cherish them. They're a bonus. I know that these kinds of days only perpetuate my fantasy that Nemo will leave us alone, and Lucian won't be exposed to him. These days give me hope that our life can be normal. Next week will probably depress me when he's showing interest again.

But I'll take a day like today anytime.

The proposal

Nemo and I dated for three years and were engaged for one year before we were married. We got engaged on my twenty-seventh birthday.

We planned a trip to Florida. (I planned it, he agreed with everything I suggested.) It was a wonderful vacation. One of my favorite times I've spent at Disney. We had very similar vacationing habits, and it was both stimulating and relaxing, just like I like a vacation to be.

On my birthday, we drove to Cape Canaveral. There was a shuttle take-off planned for that morning. The sky was clear, the air was warm, and we walked along the beach hand and hand first. The shuttle launched without a hitch. It was beautiful.

We went back to our hotel and he took a nap while I went and relaxed in the hot tub. Afterward, I came back to the room and Nemo handed me my present. He had been trying to get me to open it for days, but I'm a traditionalist. If you open gifts before your birthday, you feel let down on the actual day.

So I opened the box. I thought it was going to be a pair of earrings. He had bought me other jewelry in the past, and I'd been hoping for some earrings. I opened the box, and immediately slammed it shut when I saw that it was a diamond ring.

I asked him - what does this mean? And he then said - what do you think it means? We went round and round. I wanted him to get down on one knee and say the words. Finally, he did. He said sweet things about loving me and wanting to be with me always.

If only he had meant those words.

The beginning

I met Nemo through mutual friends. It was the night before my birthday, and we went to a bar. I don't remember much specifically about the evening, besides the fact that he was there, and so was I. I don't think I even talked to him much. I remember spending a lot of time on the dance floor and having a good time with my friends.

Nemo and the friend he had come with left before I did, and I walked them out to their car. I said to Nemo - nice to meet you, and went in and finished having a fun evening.

The next day was my birthday. I was a little depressed about it. I'm not sure why, as I wasn't feeling old (that's only been happening rather recently) and I had a nice day planned with my family.

In the afternoon, my phone rang. It was Nemo wishing me a happy birthday. I didn't recognize his voice, nor was I able to guess who he was until he told me - remember you met me last night? I felt really bad.

We didn't talk for long. But I remember hanging up and thinking how nice it was of him. There were others who hadn't remembered my birthday, and he did.

I'm probably going to be saying it a lot, but I miss that guy. The one who called just to wish me a happy birthday.

Victories

My favorite time of day is when I put Lucian to bed. I love the routine of it all. The bath, the books, the I love yous, and the quiet time for me afterward.

But I admit that the real reason I love when Lucian goes to bed is that I know he is at home, asleep under my roof (okay, it's my parents' roof) and I've had another day where he's been safe, watched over and loved.

Right now, I feel that everyday is a victory. It's become my mantra. I repeat it over and over. Everyday's a victory. Everyday's a victory.

When Lucian was about three months old and the divorce was filed, and I found out more about Nemo's secret life, I'd put Lucian to bed at night and just watch him sleep and think - what will happen to this sweet little boy? So each completed day became a victory to me.

In my darker hours, a lot of days have not felt victorious. I may not win every battle, but Lucian's childhood is at stake so I will win the war.

Jealousy

I hate being envious. I try to squash jealous feelings when they surface. Alot of times I have to consciously turn the other cheek, and I think others think I'm being rude. But it's sometimes the only thing I can do to maintain my sanity.

The first major jealous feelings I had were after I was diagnosed with diabetes. I was a child on a schedule and a diet. I'd watch others get to eat whatever they wanted. And really, it wasn't the food that I envied most. It was their freedom, their careless eating habits. I'd be green with envy and I'd pretend I wasn't. One time a teacher brought in donuts for the entire class. She made a big issue in front of everyone and presented me with an apple. I held in my tears, and after class I went to the bathroom and cried. The teacher was trying to be concerned and thoughtful. But publicly pointing out someone's inadequacies hurts (even ones I had no control over).

Jealousy is UGLY. It changes relationships. It eats at you. Life isn't fair and I'm certainly not promoting a socialistic society by any means. I really want the whole world to be happy - I'm not wishing anything bad to come to anyone. But knowing that you can't obtain something that you want, well it's just so painful.

Then came along infertility. As the years went by, my heart longed even more for a child. I suppose I fell victim to the idea of having a perfect family. I was envious of everyone who could easily have kids. It cut me as deep as that teacher bringing me the apple.

I shouldn't use the past tense. I'm still envious of people who are in control of their fertility. Maybe even more now. I'm jealous of women who can have any number of kids they choose. I'm jealous of women who have husbands around. Even more, I'm jealous of women whose husbands are wonderful. Some of them don't even know how amazing their husbands are.

I watch couples and families out in public. I know that not every relationship is perfect and that by witnessing a few minutes of interaction doesn't mean that that's what's really happening under the surface at home. But I watch these people and I wonder how they stay together. I wonder how the wife got someone so great. I wonder how I chose so wrong. I wonder if they know how lucky they are.

I turn my cheek and try not to think about it. I have the baby I dreamed of. We're just not the family I dreamed of.

Suspicions confirmed

I found out who has been pranking me. Surprise, surprise! The number that showed up on the bill is my old phone number.

So either Nemo or Elvira has been making the calls. (and since many of them have occurred during times when Nemo should be at work, I'm pretty much convinced that it's Elvira.) I can't figure out why.

Elvira is someone who controlled my husband from day one. Stayed with him when she found out he was married, and I pregnant. Has a child and a house of her own. After Nemo and I divorced, she moved into my house. So now she has my husband, my house, my stuff (had to leave alot), so I can't figure out what more she would want from me.

Why can't I just be left alone?

Note: I have to wait until next month's phone bill to see the rest of the calls. But I will be following up with the police. I'm unsure if I'm going to broach the subject with Nemo again or not.

Sick

Lucian's been sick. I took him to the doctor who said it was just a cold. I'm relieved that it's not something worse because his cough sounds pretty bad.

I've been very lucky in that Lucian has been healthy. He's had colds, but hasn't needed anything stronger than an over the counter medicine.

My Mom told me that my brother, sister and I were always sick as kids. She was at the doctor constantly with one of us.

So I realize that with all the other problems and hassles I'm having to deal with, a sick kid isn't one of them. Even with his cold, Lucian slept through the night. Everything seems better with a decent night's sleep.

But I'm off to take a nap. I'm still worn out.

Lies

A while back, Nemo told me that he was no longer seeing Elvira. Of course, I didn't believe him. I believe nothing that he tells me because he lies about everything. But I was hopeful that she was out of the picture. I don't want Lucian in her presence.

Today I spoke with an old neighbor friend of mine. She told me that Elvira and her daughter are still living in the house. (her daughter has been enrolled there in school since I moved out) She said that she rarely sees Nemo, but that there's alot of activity at the house. People coming and going.

Luckily, Lucian is not spending any time there. And won't anytime soon. That's what matters the most.

How am I supposed to build trust on lies?

The last anniversary

Our anniversary occurred right after the voting day incident.

Nemo's parents invited us out to dinner. Nemo and I had a big argument before we left the house. It was the same old argument about him going out and me being home alone and pregnant. I cried on the way to the restaurant. I was in the middle of the gut wrenching agony of acceptance that my marriage was ending and I could barely keep my emotions in check.

I had thought that it would just be the four of us for dinner. But when we got to the restaurant, Jabba and Cruella had invited another couple (who I liked a lot) and their newly married son and newly pregnant wife (who I was meeting for the first time).

After five minutes of small talk, I couldn't keep myself together, so I excused myself and went to the bathroom. Where I cried for ten minutes. Or I should say, I hyperventilated quietly in the corner stall for ten minutes. I was absent from the table for a long time. It took me some time to regain my composure. I thought about running from the restaurant. I could see myself sneaking out into the cold fall night air, but good manners forced me to stay.

Good manners forced me to tolerate a whole lot of things that I shouldn't have.

I finally returned to the table. No one said a word to me about why or how long I was gone. No one commented on how red my nose was or how bloodshot my eyes were.

The topics of marriage and babies were the only things covered that night. Nemo squirmed uncomfortably in his chair. He took a dozen phone calls. Played with his phone even more than that text messaging. Now I know that it was Elvira, but at the time he'd rattle off some friend's name - oh it's George wanting to know something about the ballet, or some other nonsense.

I tried to hold up my part of the conversation. Let me tell you how difficult it is to be talking about marriage and babies when your marriage is falling apart and no one knows, and your baby is almost due, but was conceived with a lot of effort and he's not really your husband's, and your husband's not acting happy at all about the baby. It was torture. And I'm a diabetic, I know torture.

There was a part of me that was relieved when we finally left. The other part of me knew that when we'd leave, I'd lose track of Nemo for however long he'd be gone. It was close to midnight when we got home. I begged him again to stay, it was our anniversary for God's sake. He left me home alone. And he had the gall to say that it was officially the next day, our anniversary was over.

I slept alone in our marital bed.

Assembly not included

When I was nine months pregnant, my feet were so swollen I had to wear sandals (in blustery cold November), I couldn't feel my left arm, and I was physically and emotionally exhausted. Yet, I had to put that damn baby swing together. It took me two days. I was determined that with all the chaos, my child should have a place to swing. Of course, he didn't really care for the swing, but at least he had it available.

I spent other days putting together the exersaucer, play gym, pack-n-play and bouncer. I'm not normally an angry person, but I swore up a storm trying to get that stuff together.

Nemo wouldn't help me put any of that stuff together. He kept saying tomorrow or next weekend. So I finally just did it all myself.

He wouldn't help me register for the baby shower either. I tried pushing him and it didn't work. So I had my Mom go with me, and I disguised it as getting her help because I thought she would know more about baby stuff. (when in reality, both of us were utterly confused - it had been thirty years since she'd used any of that stuff, and a lot had changed)

Nemo's parents bought us the crib and furniture. I couldn't get him to go with me to pick it out. I went with Cruella and I remember being on the phone with Nemo trying to get some input from him. He just kept saying - choose whatever you like. It was incredibly frustrating. We had always made purchases together.

Then when the store called to tell me the furniture was in, it took me another week to get Nemo to pick it up. My friends kept asking me when I was going to be getting the furniture because the baby was coming soon, and I couldn't come up with enough excuses as to why Nemo wasn't involved or excited. It was finally set up a week before I had Lucian. I was so stressed that my baby wouldn't have somewhere to sleep.

The one thing Nemo helped me with was the stroller. Probably because all we really needed to do was remove it from the box and unfold it. I was naive enough at the time that I thought - maybe he's coming around and really trying to help. Ha ha!

This blog has really helped me look back at things and see how messed up everything was. When you're going through things, you can't see it from the outside. I was a single parent from the moment of the insemination, but everyone thought I was married because I was trying to make it look that way.

I've learned too that there is no baby item that I can not assemble and things are not always as they seem.

And even more...

Less than two hours after I posted about the prank calls last night, my cell phone rang. I was wondering who it could be, because only a few people know the number, and I had spoken with all of them earlier in the day.

I look at the number, and it says private call. So I answer it, and get the same thing: silence, and hang up. I immediately went to tell my Dad in the next room. But before I took three steps, the house phone rang.

The same thing happened. This time in particular, I could hear someone there. And they stayed on the line just a fraction of a second longer before hanging up.

Now I know that whoever is calling, is someone that is targeting me. It is someone that has access to both my home and cell phone numbers. I'm even more convinced that it's related to Nemo in some way.

I wish this person would just tell me what they want and leave me alone.

More prank phone calls

Two weeks ago I mentioned that I'd had two late night phone calls from a private number.

Last week, there was another, but it was in the morning. My Dad immediately called the police. A policeman was at our door within fifteen minutes. (I was extremely impressed with his expeditiousness.)

Anyway, he was really nice and great about it and did a report. However, unless the calls had been a lot greater in number, they can't do much about it. Still, I felt better knowing that it's been documented.

This week, it was the same day of the week, the same exact time in the morning, and the phone rang again. Private number, and they hung up.

The policeman suggested that maybe it was a telemarketer. Besides the fact that in my experience those calls come up unavailable, not private number, I don't know of any telemarketers that call in the middle of the night. I do, however, know of a str*ipper that likes to make late night phone calls.

My bet is on Nemo. I don't necessarily think that it's him, because I just can't see the sense in that (although, he's done a lot of things that don't make sense). But directly or indirectly, I think the calls are related to him.

New glucose meter

I got a new glucose meter tonight. I'm super excited. It's the One Touch Ultra 2.

I've been currently using the UltraSmart, and before that, I used the Ultra, before that the FastTake. I had one of the early glucose meters back in the eighties that required a lot of blood, and a skilled technique. So I've used alot of meters in my day.

What I'd like to know is - does anyone bother to consult a diabetic when they design these products?

I switched from the FastTake to the Ultra because of the shorter timing (15 secs to 5 secs) and ultimately, because LifeScan was phasing out the FastTake.

I used the Ultra for quite awhile. I was pretty happy with it. But the case didn't have a place for the poker. It was hard to test on the run, with that stupid poker always falling out. There wasn't a backlight either.

I switched to the UltraSmart because I thought all the bells and whistles on it would be fun. I'd be able to do cool graphs and notice trends. However, a few months later, I realized that I'm one of those diabetics (please don't call me brittle) where there's no pattern, no rhyme or reason half the time. So I gave up using all the extra features.

The UltraSmart was bulkier than the plain Ultra but I kept using it because it had a backlight. Which I never was able to use because every time you're in the dark trying to test, the place you really want to see is the hole where the test strip goes, and if you've gotten the blood on it correctly. If you use the backlight in the dark, it blinds you and you can't see the strip at all. Which is so helpful when you're getting the error message of "not enough blood". Hello! If I could have seen where to put it, I would have had enough blood!

I'd heard about the new Ultra 2 and was interested in it for the main reason of it being smaller (with a smaller case too) and yet still having a backlight. This backlight will also light up the strip, but it's not bright enough to actually see if you've gotten enough blood on the strip.

Here's my list of ideas I would like my glucose meter to have:
1. small
2. small case that will allow me to buy a small purse instead of a huge bag
3. place for the poker
4. place for both new strip bottle, and an old one to hold used strips
5. backlight that allows me test anywhere
6. cheaper strips - $1/strip * 6-10 tests/day = lots of money

The best part about my new meter is that once I send in the rebate, it will have cost me nothing. And because it uses the same strips, if I'm not happy with it, I can always go back to using one of my other meters.

Phone bill

On the advice of my lawyer, I had lots of documents subpoenaed for the divorce settlement. Even though I live in a no-fault state, I wanted to have the evidence on my side. Also, it enabled me to find out key pieces of information that Nemo had been keeping from me.

So first, I requested his phone bill. His company paid for his cell phone, so the bills all went there and I never got to see them. What initially started as a good thing (us not having to pay the phone bill), helped Nemo in his affair. You know it was bad that the paperwork didn't just come in a mere envelope. Nope, it was a box. Approximately fifteen months worth of phone bills.

At the start of 2004, I recognized all the numbers. By March, there were a few unknowns (which I later found to be Elvira and friends). And then to the most recent month, April 2005, where I didn't recognize anything but my own number sporadically. The call number increased tenfold also.

I mentioned it here, that I had dry heaves when I saw the phone bill seeing how many times during Lucian's birth that he had been on the phone with Elvira. I spent hours combing through the phone bill, trying to make sense of it. I highlighted, underlined, and searched phone numbers on-line. Finally, I realized that with the sheer number of calls, there was no way that I'd be able to make any sense of it at all, so I mostly concentrated on memorable dates.

It ended up being a very expensive endeavor, all this subpoena-ing. It did help me to have things in writing though. Helped drill reality into my head by seeing it in black and white.

It's a bitter pill to swallow when you find out that not only does your husband have someone else, but that he carried it out in such a cruel way.

Ironically, right before the divorce was final, I had a conversation with Elvira who told me that she would love to have a look at the phone bills. She didn't trust him either. Gee I wonder why?

Reprieve, but...

Last night, we had a reprieve. Nemo called and said that he was stuck at work and wouldn't be able to make his parenting time.

I got Lucian to bed early, and I had a night to myself, so I'm not complaining, but I am wondering. Was Nemo really working late? And, what would I do if I was relying upon him to babysit during that time? What if I had a job?

I believe that Nemo is currently taking advantage of his parenting time because of his family. I don't have it all figured out, but I think it goes something like this: Nemo's parents want to be a part of Lucian's life. (as grandparents, their time is derivative of Nemo's) Nemo can not afford his lifestyle, let alone the child support he has to pay. His parents give him money. They threaten to take the money away if they don't get to see Lucian. So Nemo calls me, and I bring Lucian over and Nemo gets his money.

I feel like it's a big farce. The whole situation is so fake, I can hardly stand it. I'm a sincere and genuine person. I have a hard time lying or pretending. (I'm more likely to not notice your haircut, then to compliment it - you know, the if-you-can't-say-anything-nice rule) And this situation to me is a charade. At some point, it's going to come crashing down.

Some believe (the legal system for one) that any father is better than no father at all. I'm not outwardly arguing this point. But being that Nemo is not the sperm donor and that I have never seen him actually be a father to Lucian, it just feels so fake. I'm repeating myself here. Sorry. How long will I have to tolerate this joke?

And Nemo's already called for tomorrow night. Ugh.